In every society, the media is used to portray certain images and values to the viewing public. The values that are portrayed in the entertainment will naturally be reflected in the values of the culture itself. Thus the message contained in entertainment is not accidental, but rather is the result of specific thought and planning due to the effects the values will have on the culture. This thought process can be seen in everything from the rap music of today to the ancient epic poems such as The Iliad and The Odyssey. These two modes of entertainment are more similar than they would at first seem. Both involve similar methods of delivery and more relevantly contain specific messages aimed at specific subsections of the population. Because of this similarity, it is possible to look at the way that certain elements are treated and make inferences about what the entertainment was attempting to encourage in societies. From The Iliad’s treatment of the values of metis and bie (the values of cunning and strength, respectively), it is clear that Homer was attempting to discourage the former and encourage the latter. Despite the many things that Odysseus accomplishes in The Iliad, the rewards for his accomplishments and other accomplishments of metis are dwarfed by the glory bestowed on bie. As evidenced by the relative importance given to bie when compared to metis it is clear that The Iliad is meant to encourage bie while discouraging metis.
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In every society, the media is used to portray certain images and values to the viewing public. The values that are portrayed in the entertainment will naturally be [passive] reflected in the values [different word] of the culture itself. Thus the message contained in entertainment is not accidental, but rather is the result of specific thought and planning [by who? “the media” is not some entity, maybe some specificity other than just rap music (as seen in the next sentence). this is a good idea, but the way you are saying it goes on a bit, we understand that what people see in media is directly associated with their actions in real life, and that can be reflected in a clearer, more precise manner.] due to the effects the values will have on the culture. This thought process can be seen in everything from the rap music of today to the ancient epic poems such as The Iliad and The Odyssey. These two modes of entertainment are more similar than they would at first seem. Both involve similar methods of delivery [how so? this is somewhat confusing] and more relevantly [awkward] contain specific messages aimed at specific [specific specific, WC?] subsections of the population. [if you are going to say these aspects then back them up with specific details because they are broad ideas] Because of this similarity, it is possible to look at the way that certain elements are treated [what does that mean, what kind of elements? In what setting is this?] and make inferences about what the entertainment was [and IS] attempting to encourage in societies. [interesting thought –> what kind of society are these entertainment organizations trying to create? another interesting thought here is the population who recieve the influence] From The Iliad’s treatment of the values of metis and bie (the values of cunning and strength, respectively), it is clear that Homer was attempting to discourage the former and encourage the latter. Despite the many things that Odysseus accomplishes in The Iliad, the rewards for his accomplishments and other accomplishments of metis are dwarfed by the glory bestowed on bie. As evidenced by the relative importance given to bie when compared to metis it is clear that The Iliad is meant to encourage bie while discouraging metis. [this is true, but what greater meaning does it have? I like this thesis, but it feels a little narrow-minded. I don’t know how you plan on continuing with your essay, but what is important about this? Is it an accurate reflection of Greek society? What about the society at the time make this true, and then to go further, what is the reconnection to our modern society? It would be really cool to take it back to the original part of the essay that takes up a majority of the introduction]
–bk
sorry about obscurity of my previous post, here is an updated edit that follows what we are looking for:
confused by wording:
I felt somewhat confused and tripped up by extra wording, for example in the sentence: “Thus the message contained in entertainment is not accidental, but rather is the result of specific thought and planning due to the effects the values will have on the culture.” There are a lot of extra words here and in conjunction with the sentence before it I think that one idea can be put a little more simply and compactly.
vagueness of ideas
i felt like you were dancing around some ideas but not directly stating them, like the sentence: “Because of this similarity, it is possible to look at the way that certain elements are treated and make inferences about what the entertainment was attempting to encourage in societies.” I understand that you are planting ideas, but I don’t really understand what “certain elements are treated” is getting at. What are these elements? What aspects of society are there?
Strong connection/understanding of material:
with the thesis directly so strongly in two interesting and deep themes found in the Iliad, I found that there is a strong understanding and concept idea of where your idea is actually found. With this said, I would like to also see a little more of an angle into why it matters, because what is really important is the aspect of the media teaching the population (as stated throughout the paragraph), but I think that should be included in the thesis as well.